It’s hard for me to look back there. My divorce was a painful time that involved a great deal of shame. I didn’t just end my marriage, I took an Uzi and some explosives to it.
The shame sat on the back of my neck like a coiled snake. It whispered things like, “you are no good. you aren’t a nice person. you are terrible. you are bad.”
So I drank…a lot. My roommate at the time when asked for the 15th consecutive night in a row to go out, “Sarah…I can’t keep up with you.”
You have to understand – I was on tv. I faked EVERYTHING. I was sunny and happy – maybe noone saw? I’m not really sure. I want to ask my people, “Did you know? Did you know how bad it was? Did you know how bad I was?”
I moved to Minneapolis at the end of November – new sparkly job, new apartment, new city, new people. It kept me occupied – busied me from my depression.
But not really.
I functioned, but maybe not well? I have no idea. I got up. I went to work. I partied a lot. And I did it again and again and again.
Are you depressed? Anxious? Sitting with trauma? Living with chronic stress? Dear one – you aren’t alone. And there are tools to help.
If you or someone you love is living with depression, please reach out. There is help. Call the NAMI Helpline at 800-950-NAMI or text ‘NAMI’ to 741741 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.