Do you think we hold things in our bodies? Physical trauma sure. What about emotional trauma? Do you think we kind of stick stuff away in little boxes? In our minds, certainly. But what about in our bodies? Do you think we can have issues in our tissues?
Last month, I had my quarterly massage appointment with the amazing Stephanie. She does deep tissue work and also does energy work as she massages. As she was working on me, she ran her hands over the top part of my hips. All of a sudden, I burst out crying…and it wasn’t from pain. I was a little embarrassed and didn’t understand exactly what was happening. All I could think to myself was, “All my hopes and dreams were held in those two little areas….”
With her touch, Stephanie helped me to open a door that I’d locked – sealed – closed off…awhile ago.
The area she touched is the area my husband would put hormone shots twice daily for each round of in vitro fertilization that we went through. Five rounds. Three months each. Two shots a day.
I think I thought that because I had children…that it was time to tuck all of the feelings that go along with in vitro away and just be thankful that it worked.
And I am. I am SO grateful. There is no gratitude like the gratitude of a mother who receives the gift of a child by any means.
But also, tucked away in my body and unbeknownst to me were areas that I had not processed.
Pain. Sadness. Grief. Loss. Terror. Anger.
IVF taxed every aspect of me, us. Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Psychological, Relational, and probably a dozen more that I just can’t think of right now.
But I tucked it away…and replaced it with JOY. And DELIGHT. And GRATITUDE. Because it worked and I had two beautiful babies!!
And now, I realize…I’ve got issues in my tissues. There’s stuff that I’d locked away that needs to be unpacked and felt. My husband asked, “How are you going to do that?” Well…I’m not really sure. But I think more body work with people I trust to hold me gently as I feel my way through this. When stuff bubbles up, I’ll let it come. I’m ready now to feel instead of stuffing it away. I’m giving myself permission to see the shadow side of this experience that we went through in addition to the gratitude.
It leads me to wonder about all the stuff we stick away in order to not feel. Does it result in dis-ease? Is part of wellness allowing for all of the feelings instead of denying them? I’m kind of thinking yes…