So – I got word today that someone I loved very much had died. The thing that makes it weird is that it’s my ex-husband’s mom. Weird because all of the societal mores that swirl around relationships make it weird for me, for the family, for my family.
But there was so much LOVE there. And I have to honor that love. I have to honor the woman who treated me like a daughter. Who taught me a different side of what being a mom means. Who taught me that I could be a beastly screw-up of a human…and she’d still love me. She may not agree with my choices, but she never stopped loving me.
So now…I go into the belly of the beast.
And it’s not the people I’m talking about….although let me say there are a few who are going to meet my being there with more than raised eyebrows.
But the belly of the beast is facing all of the feelings that surround divorce, losing a family, losing a way of life, losing an old self, gaining a new self, gaining a new life, carrying guilt for terrible choices, forgiving yourself, moving forward with self-acceptance, self-love and JOY.
That’s a lot of freaking feelings people.
And, ask anyone, I FEEL my feelings. I don’t run away from them. I FEEL THEM. But today…I self-medicated. And you may or may not relate to my choice of self medication…I self medicated with BREAD.
I had homemade Breadsmith bread with real butter for breakfast.
I had white rolls with ham leftover from Easter for lunch with potato chips.
I had a full container of Milano cookies for a snack with Earl Grey tea and honey for dipping.
I totally cried my way through most of this eating. Because I recognized that what I really needed wasn’t a crapload of gluten…what I needed was comfort.
I have to dust myself off now…dust the breadcrumbs off. And I have to pack my bags, leave my beautiful family who has rallied around me to support me going and showing my utmost respect for a woman who loved me…always. And it’s weird. And it’s hard. And it’s going to be scary facing down all of the people and feelings that bring up SO MUCH stuff for me. Good stuff, hard stuff, beauty, pain.
And I guess that’s life.
I hope they have bread there.